I wrote about how I put people up on pedestals. How I inappropriately view them as way better than me and let myself think I am not enough standing in their shadows.
It was a rough week working through some issues my soul had to wrestle with. I thought about why I do this and where it comes from. And then laying in bed late last night it all hit me.
My parent’s set very high standards. Education was everything, anything short of an “A” was not enough, and graduate school was absolutely a given. Jaime and I were expected to stand tall, stay within the lines and erase any rebellious spirit that even thought about bubbling up. My parents were amazing people, and I knew without a doubt that they loved me with all their heart. But as a little girl I remember always trying to do more, be more, and somehow seek more love and attention from my parents.
And last night among a tear-stained pillow I realized I am still trying to be more, please more, give more, and keep all the balls in the air. I realized I still don’t think I am enough — for my parents. Having them abruptly ripped from my life — at a time when I naturally would have been pulling away and finding my own way – has caused me to immortalize them.
I have been afraid to look at the dynamics of my childhood and the impact my parents had on my current behaviors because…well because, if I held on to the “little girl” I used to be, I could still hold on to them. I could keep them alive. I could continue acting like they were still here and nothing had changed.
But everything has changed. Everything is continuing to change. I let my parents set a standard that was their standard – not mine. I now have to find my way, my voice, my path. I have to be 100% me, not 100% what they wished or hoped I would be.
And I realized holding on to their standards, their perceptions of life and their way of doing things, was keeping me in a state of thinking I am not enough. I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to drag that into my current relationships and friendships.
I am enough. I don’t have to do things to be worthy of value. I don’t have to act a certain way to be deserving of love and worthiness.
I had to take my parents off the biggest pedestal I had created in my life. This made me extremely sad. Because the pedestal keeps them “present” in my life — and I realized it was time to say good bye. I physically said good-bye back in May 2000. But it was now time to say my final good bye.
I will never forget you Mom and Dad. You will always be cherished in my heart and I am so thankful for everything you gave to me. I don’t blame you for anything. But it is time for me to fly. It is time for me to really believe I am enough just the way I am.
This is my final goodbye to the old way of thinking….I will love you forever and always but it is time to finally let go….