Working with Kindra Hall to craft my story has made me think about my parents and the greater theme of life a lot lately. Kindra is a story teller (she helps clients find their story and then helps them craft that story into a beautiful-relatable script). Kindra is using my story and the story of how Soul Carrier came to be as one of her case studies.
She took everything I told her about my journey and wrote a script. We recorded me reading the script, and we are now laying the audio track over the “Journey Collection” release video I already filmed with Shane and Leo (two of my film interns).
I told Kindra that I expected the pain of my parent’s passing to be excruciating, but what I didn’t expect to be so excruciating was the pressure to perform and please in their aftermath.
I was told I was Paisan and Joyce’s legacy, and it was time for me to step up to the plate. People wondered which direction I would take – would I become a wild party girl to deal with the pain? Or an ultra conservative church girl? I was always taken back by those questions – I knew I wasn’t going to swing to either polarity to deal with their loss. I was going to deal with it by continuing to BE ME!
I knew if I reached deep inside I would have the tenacity to keep going. Because, if I wallowed in their death by feeling like a victim and squandering away my life, well then, three lives would have been lost in that car accident!
However, it took almost a decade to realize that although I never fell apart, turned to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain, I did filll myself up with something else to avoid dealing with the rawness of the situation. I performed, I pleased, I let others set the standard for the life I lived. I let others give me a reason for why I should be doing what I was doing.
I did not feel like I was enough. And my worthiness resided heavily in whether people approved of me or not. Feeling like I was being judged, I altered my behaviors and actions so that people would perceive me as a worthy person.
After a lot of soul work and peeling back many-many layers, I have firmly come to a realization that I am ENOUGH. All the performing and pleasing in the world will never make me worthy. I am worthy merely because I exist. I believe I am here on this earth for a reason, and that a lone is my worthiness. Creation is a powerful force, and whatever your belief of who put you on this earth – it still is a very dynamic concept. Oprah and Deepok Chopra often refer to humans as being composed of the same matter as star-dust – as magical-fairytale-sounding as that comes off – I still love it!
I told Sarah Boumis that since we are already in a state of “greatness” for merely existing –we should go on to do great things, but those great accomplishments don’t define us. They are NOT what make us great, but it is in our star-dust destiny to go and fill the world with greatness.
And I have come to realize that the “greatest” thing I could ever do is be ME — to be authentic. To listen to my soul’s truth. To follow my intuition and not the world’s noise. To understand that I already came pre-programmed with wants, desires and goals – my job is now to embrace that calling and go out and fulfill it.
That is the greater message I want to share with the world — that is what Soul Carrier is all about. I have LOVED fashion and design since I was a little girl – I light up sitting at my sewing machine watching the hot pink thread pierce pieces of leather as Avicii blasts. I get the biggest thrill seeing the concepts in my head come to life in three-dimensional form. It is pure bliss collaborating on creative projects with other artists and designers. And nothings makes me happier than putting together an incredible group of people to help accomplish a larger goal – team Soul Carrier you have become family and I love and adore you all so much!
I want to encourage people to figure out what it means to be truly-authentically THEMSELVES. I want them to ask “What lights me up”? “What makes my soul come a live”? The world is full of a lot of noise pushing and prodding us to be anything but ourselves – I want to inspire everyone to tune out that noise and figure out where they want to go and then have the courage to follow through on that journey.
The song “Breakdown More” by Eric Hutchinson has been on repeat on Spotify – he says “Give Me A Reason and I won’t Breakdown” – for a long time I needed a reason, justification, validation, a defense – otherwise I would breakdown and blindly follow what others wanted me to do.
Now I realize my reason for everything I do with Soul Carrier is BECAUSE it is my soul’s calling. It’s my authentic truth to be creating, designing and leading a team who believes in my greater cause.
Being in NYC this week has only solidified my greater REASON. For years I felt the pull of either residing in the vibrant-bustling fashion capitol, or choosing my hometown full of family and friends. But now, I realize it doesn’t matter where I reside. What matters more is my “Why!” – the reason I am doing whatever I am doing. Yes, being in NYC is incredible and inspiring, and opportunities pop up that are non-existent in Arizona. However, geography is no longer a reason to keep me from pursuing my goals.
When you are committed to a dream, a goal, a vision, all you need is a laptop and a dedication to make those goals happen. When your reason is greater than just WHAT you do – geography takes a back seat to helping you accomplish those goals.
Soul Carrier is what I am meant to be doing. It is a manifestation of my entire journey so far – it is my REASON! What is yours?
Don’t look to other people to give you a reason…look inside and figure out YOUR OWN reason and then go out and do with all of your soul!
Signing Off From Snowy NYC!